The Awkward Moments of Cross Academy
by Brookii
Summary: Everyone has awkward moments. Including the beloved characters of Vampire Knight. Don't kill me for writing it. I love VK. Seriously. I just felt like having some fun at their expense. Rated T.
1. Kaien's Web Search History

**The Awkward Moments of Cross Academy**

_Don't kill me for writing this. I love Vampire Knight. Honestly. I just felt like having a bit of fun at their expense. I hope no one minds. Also, I have a twisted sense of humour. Just letting you know. Thanks to my best friend Jess, I can't help but being a little dirty at the best of times. My apologies. Anyway. Please R&R _

**Chapter One: **Kaien's Web-Search History.

Yuki waited at the door impatiently for her headmaster (or as he liked to think, father).

"He should be here now," she muttered as she leant against the door of his office. Boredly, she walked in, hoping to spend a little bit of time playing The Sims 3. Currently, her favourite activity was going on the computer making her two Sims (naturally named Yuki and Kaname) do some WooHooing again. It was almost as fun as the real thing probably was.

She started the headmasters computer up and Internet Explorer automatically started.

_The Japanese government has detected inappropriate searches you have made on Google. Please erase any unsuitable data._

The screen then provided Yuki with two options, "clear entire history" or "view searches".

Yuki grinned and clicked "view searches" and browsed the collection.

**How to entertain pureblood vampires  
>How to stuff a bra and make it look realistic<br>Britney Spears porn  
>How to French Kiss men<br>How to tango  
>WHY IS MY DAUGHTER NOT CALLING ME DADDY?<br>How to murder your adopted daughter**

Suddenly, Yuki felt concerned for her life.

**A/N: **Okay, so what do you think? I write too many realistic stories so I decided to go a bit… crazy. Anyway, please review Ideas for the next chapters would be so great ;) You will get credit for the ideas. Unless, they are so shameful you don't want credit xD

_Brookii  
>The Girl Who Wrote This Incredibly Inappropriate (A Lot Like Kaien's Web Searches) FanFiction for Your Enjoyment.<em>


	2. Secret Dates

**The Awkward Moments of Cross Academy**

_Alright! I got lots of good feedback from the first chapter of TAMOCA (The Awkward Moments of Cross Academy) soo I decided I would add more! I don't own Vampire Knight, by the way. I wish I did though. *sighs* Anyway, here's the second chapter! Please review _

**Chapter Two:** Our Secret Date

Zero Kiryu watched with wide eyes as his master, Toga Yagari and his headmaster/wannabe-father (_JUST BECAUSE I'M SIXTEEN AND YOU GIVE ME CUDDLES WHEN I WAKE UP FROM NIGHTMARES ABOUT YUKI AND YORI KISSING DOESN'T MAKE ME YOUR SON!_) held hands as they walked out from a movie theatre.

_NO WAY!_ Zero thought with interest. _They can't be dating…_

Zero watched as Yagari placed a quick kiss on Kaien's cheek.

_Well, that's friendly behaviour. Heck, I could do that with Kaname Kuran (THAT LITTLE FREAK!) if I really wanted to._

Kaien lowered his hand down Yagari's back and spanked his butt.

_Well, I could do that with Kaname too._

Yagari giggled flirtatiously and literally pounced on Kaien, tackling him to the ground.

_I could do that with Kaname._

Yagari began making out with Kaien, in a way that only gay guys could make out.

_Well, I'm not going to do THAT with Kaname. I'd have to see Aidou instead…_

**A/N: **Both chapters have made Kaien the one who gets embarrassed. No more Kaien in the next chapter, okay? Well, I'll try not to anyway…


	3. Slaps Run In The Family

**The Awkward Moments of Cross Academy**

_Okay, are you ready for a beautiful addition? I bet you are ;) Are you ready for this randomly-written-off-the-top-of-my-head mumbo-jumbo? Or, as I called it, THE AWKARD MOMENTS OF CROSS ACADEMY CHAPTER THREE! Or, as others may call it…_

**Chapter Three**: Slaps Run In the Family

_[[Note: Not too proud of this one because like I said; off-the-top-of-my-head. So… not the best ;) Next time I can embarrass Kaien again and all will be swell… Wait…. Did I just say swell?]]_

_Rido Kuran knew that either he or Haruka would be marrying Juri. He just hoped it was him._

Rido laughed as he typed this up on Microsoft Word of his laptop. As if. All those Vampire Knight fans knew nothing if they thought he was after Juri Kuran!

No, the truth was that he wanted his brother, Haruka, so, so, so, so, so much. Oh God, that bitch was SMEXY! Wow! The sizes of Haruka's tits were like basketballs and his…

Rido gasped as he realised he had been typing this up. What if Haruka saw? They both shared this laptop and…

"Rido? Are you ready to go to the spa yet?"

Crap. That would be Haruka. Quickly, Rido tried to erase what he had typed.

The computer had frozen.

Rido quickly tried to erase it but…

Haruka had already walked in and was reading the document. Rido quickly blushed like a school girl.

"Wow… Rido… I didn't know…" Haruka's burgundy eyes were wide with shock.

Rido ducked his head in shame.

"Say, Rido, why don't we go to the spa and I'll show you something of mine," Haruka whispered in Rido's ear in a sultry voice.

"O-Okay!" Rido said, wine-red eye and ice-blue eye glittering with happiness.

As the two walked down to the spa, Haruka turned to Rido. "Are you ready?" Haruka asked, putting his hands on the top of his pants.

Rido nodded, excited and in awe that Haruka – _his Haruka_ – felt the same way.

Haruka extended his arm and slapped Haruka. Rido immediately felt to the ground, cheek flaming and a cut bleeding.

A young Kaname Kuran watched from a distance before came rushing out to meet his father. "Daddy, that was just epic. I hope one day I can slap like that."

Haruka patted his son's back. "You know what I think, son?" he asked as we watched his homosexual brother on the ground.

"Yeah?"

"I doubt it."

**A/N:** _Wow! I made Haruka into such a B-I-T-C-H! I have nothing against gay people though, just letting you know, I don't share the same views as Haruka. One of my best friends is Bi and I don't have a problem with any homosexuals. I just love Haruka/Rido romantic coupling It's so HILARIOUS! Anyways, thanks to all who have reviewed, it means the world to me. And hey, Haruka, you were wrong :D Kaname DID adopt your slap. You must be so proud!_


	4. Over Kaname, Lol

**The Awkward Moments of Cross Academy**

_Poor Akatsuki! You think I'd be nice when he finally got a date with Ruka, right? Well, I was nice. Hanabusa wasn't though…_

**Chapter** **Four**: Over Kaname… Lol.

* * *

><p>"EEEWWWW!"<p>

"Hanabusa, all I said was 'Ruka'."

"Yes!" Hanabusa hissed. "Yes, I know, it's awful."

"It isn't really…" Akatsuki started slowly.

"Yes, it is… oh, dear brother –"

"We're cousins, not brothers."

"Same thing," Hanabusa shrugged.

Akatsuki sighed. "May I please finish my sentence?" he asked.

"Okay, but I warn you, I may start crying at the mention of her name."

"Should we change her name then, just for this?" Akatsuki offered.

"Yes please, brother."

"Cousin."

"Cousin, whatever. May I pick the name?" Hanabusa begged.

Akatsuki hesitated.

"Pleeeaase?" Hanabusa pleaded.

"Okay. What will her new na –?"

"Osama bin Laden."

"What?"

"You know… that terrorist dude with the funky hat and the smexy beard. _You know _that guy who tried to bomb America or something."

"I know who he is," Akatsuki replied.

"What's wrong with the name Osama bin Laden, Akatsuki?"

"Uh, try the obvious facts: Osama bin Laden is a _mass murderer._ Oh, and that isn't a funky hat, it's a religious turban thing, and his beard isn't sexy at all –"

"HOW DARE YOU!" Hanabusa roared. "THAT BEARD IS JUST – I'M TRYING TO GROW ONE LIKE THAT, YOU KNOW?"

"Hanabusa, good luck with that. You're 17 and you've never had facial hair in your _life._"

"Daddy said I'm just a slow-grower," Hanabusa argued.

"Mentally slow, more like," Akatsuki muttered.

"WHAT WAS THAT!"

"Nothing."

"Good. Okay, continue with the code-name."

"Alright, Osama bin Laden just called me –"

"Lol."

"– And said that she was over Ka –"

"NO! STOP! I don't think I could listen to Osama bin Laden talking about Kaname-sama. New codename for Kaname-sama… Adolf Hitler," Hanabusa interrupted.

Akatsuki sighed, "Okay, so, Osama bin Laden called me –"

"Lol."

"– And said that she –"

"Lol."

"Was over Adolf Hitler –"

"Lol."

"– now. And then Osama –"

"Lol."

"Decided she wanted to give me and her a chance! Apparently Hitler –"

"Lol."

"Would you _stop _saying 'Lol'?"

"But it's so funny!"

"Say 'Lol' in tour head."

"Fine," Hanabusa sighed.

"Anyway, I think Osama wants to give me a chance!" Akatsuki beamed. _**CREEPILY.**_

"Hanabusa!"

"Akatsuki, I hate to say this, but…"

"But?"

"Lol. It wasn't Ruka who called you. Lol."

"Wha… bu… wha…?"

"It was me."

"But you sounded so… _feminine."_

"Aah. Almost makes me glad I'm a slow-grower."

"You bitch!"

"Lol."

* * *

><p><strong>AN:** _Okay, so more random drabble? I really need a life. I've already written the fifth chapter and it should be up this time next week! I'm not extremely proud of this one, but I love the other one! Oh, and I was going to write a serious AkatsukiXRuka Fanfiction but… pfft. Where's the fun in that? Anyway, so this chapter was significantly longer than the rest, ne? If you have time, leave a review below!_


	5. Will Kaname Survive?

**The Awkward Moments of Cross Academy**

_Okay, so I think this one may be just a bit more inappropriate towards the end or is that just me over-reacting? Oh, guess what? I did the maths and I get eight reviews per chapter! WOOT! You have no idea how happy reviews make me, so make sure you guys keep them up! ;) Feedback is just AWESOME! I apologise for making Hanabusa Aidou gay in this one too… I don't think he's gay, he's totally straight, guys; but it's too funny to make him un-gay in TAMOCA I'm really sorry I updated a night late. I had to go to my younger sibling's school concert last night so I just couldn't *sniff* Sorry._

**Chapter Four: **Will Kaname Survive?

Kaname Kuran sighed in frustration. "Listen, Zero. My name is NOT 'Karate'. I know what happens if you swap the 'n' and 'm' with 'r' and 't'. But my name is Kaname. Not Karate.

Zero blinked. "But why don't you change your name?"

Kaname groaned, annoyed. "Change my name?" he asked.

"Yeah – I used to be Zero," he said, then he pumped his fist in the air; "Now I'm HERO!"

Kaname coughed, fighting back another sigh. "Yet Yuki still wants me over you."

Zero blinked. "Whatever. I'm sexy, I'm hot; I'm everything you're not! I'm pretty, I'm cute, you're such a smelly poo!"

"Smelly poo?" Kaname raised his eyebrows.

"I admit, not one of my best," Zero agreed. "But with a name like Hero, chicks can't resist me, and gay kids like Hanabusa Aidou can't resist me either.

Kaname blinked this time. "Hanabusa's gay?" he asked, eyes suddenly wide with interest.

"Dude, tell me. When he asked if he could have your pillow for his 'Kaname Collection', what did you think."

Kaname looked stunned for a second. He opened his mouth to speak, then closed it. Then he shouted out, "AIDOU, YOU'RE GAY?"

Hanabusa raced out with a bright smile on his face.

"Yay! Lord Kaname finally recognises me for who I am!" he paused when he saw Zero Kiryu's face. He added coldly, "Oh. It's 'The Hunter'.

He then screamed, "KANAME-SAMA, LOOK OUT, HE'LL STAB YOU WITH A PENCIL!"

"Han-"

"A VERY SHARP PENCIL!"

"No –"

"LOOK OUT, LORD KANAME!"

Kaname stood up on the desk. "That's Lord Karate to you!" he shouted.

Hanabusa's eyes began to water. "B-b-b-but Mummy s-said that she would al-always be true to ourselves, not m-matter, w-w-w-w-what!"

Kaname rolled his eyes, "$!# off," he told the blonde as he gave him the middle-finger treatment.

Hanabusa burst into absolute tears and ran off.

Zero smiled at him, "Nice one," he grinned, holding up his hand for a high-five.

Kaname slapped his hand against Zero's.

Kaname grinned in return. "Y'know what else is nice?" he asked, giving him a flirty smile.

Zero swallowed. "Um, just for the record, I'm not gay like Aidou."

"Oh," Kaname's face fell.

"Sorry 'bout that," Zero sucked in his breath.

"That's okay," said Kaname. "I can always do Hanabusa instead."

Hanabusa comes out singing: "I'm too cool for you! Don't take it personal, don't get emotional, you know it's the truth! I'm too cool for you!"

"I'll just have sex with Yuki instead!" Kaname declares but as he turns around, Yuki is making out with Yori.

"Or not…" he says, slightly disturbed.

Yuki spins around. "Hi Kaname. Threesome with me and Yori?"

"No. I don't threesome with lesbians!" Kaname announces, declining the offer.

Yori blinked at Yuki. "I thought you said he was a lesbian."

"He is. Or at least, that's what I thought," Yuki frowned in genuine confusion.

Kaname sighed. "Fine… you know what, I can live without sex."

"Really?" Yuki challenged.

"Really," he confirmed.

He sat down, keeping a solemn expression. After ten minutes, he gave up.

"Chairman Cross!" he shouted out as he ran off.

_Okay, so Aidou's "I'm too cool for me" was stolen from Camp Rock, I think? But it wouldn't come into play if Jess and Fluffy hadn't sung it so much last year! X I still love you guys. I like chapter five more then chapter three and four. Just something totally random for you guys: My friend Kirralee CLAIMS to be a Vampire Knight fan but she spelt Kaname's name "Connimay". I'm sorry, Kirra, but that's kinda shameful XD that's why I told the entire fan-realm of Vampire Knight: P Sorry. Make sure to Review!_


	6. Zero's Job

**The Awkward Moments of Cross Academy**

_Another chapter written with my twisted humour for your twisted taste in twisted humour… thanks so much for your reviews, you know I love them so much! This story came from a passionate, heated debate between me and my friend, the subject of the debate being, "Who is the more likely character to be a stripper?" We started with Senri because he's a model, then it changed to being a massive argument over it being over Zero or Yagari, so there's this chapter's inspiration. Hope you enjoy it!_

**Chapter Six:** Zero's Job

Zero Kiryu was preparing himself. He finally had a job. He'd been rejected for prostitution, underwear models, ladies lingerie model (and, you had to admit; he was good at it. The only thing holding him back was his gender), the stalker of a very interesting-looking-twelve-year-old that was currently in Hawaii*, a pole-dancer, and he finally had a job. He had been rejected for each of those jobs, and he finally had been accepted for one: Zero Kiryu would be a stripper.

Apparently, strippers got nicknames and shit, he'd watched the movie Burlesque enough to know that, and he had decided on his… Misty.

Zero walked into the strip club, smiling. Zero Kiryu never smiled. Well, the unemployed Zero Kiryu never smiled. Now he was a stripper, things were different.

So, Zero smiled, walking into the strip club. He could see two tables, four poles and one single-bed.

"Awesomeness," Zero said, rubbing his hands together with glee. He was ready to earn some cash!

"Hey," a very, very, toned and attractive man walked over to Zero. "I'm Dante."

"Dante?" Zero repeated.

"Yeah, if you're wondering, I'm gay."

"I wasn't wondering…" Zero lied.

"Dude, my name is Dante," Dante added. "Of course you're wondering," he paused. "What are you?"

"Oh, I'm bi. You see, I'm in love with this mentally-fucked-up chick but I also have this thing for this dude, who's like, obsessed with that bitch. Seriously, he's like, Mr Happy-Safe-Rape. Then again, I did rape that chick when she was sleeping and all, so that makes me, like, Mrs Happy-Safe-Rape…"

"What's your name?" Dante gazed dreamily at Zero.

"Z – Um, Misty," Zero answered coolly.

"Well, Misty, you could have been just a little more original, but anyway. Hi, Misty."

"Hi, Dante."

"Are you ready to meet the boss?"

"Fuck yeah! Is he hot?"

"Like, totally! He's so fine –"

"Dante, wear is the new employee."

"Here, your highness."

Zero turned around. There, in front of him, stood an extremely attractive male. He was tall, strong and broadly built. Extremely hot, and that meant Zero's type – _oh, God, Zero, don't let the drool POUR out! – _The man was wearing an extremely tight leotard and a fuzzy-black-afro-hair-wig. Despite the unusual outfit and fuzzy hair-do, Zero knew exactly who it was.

"Hello, Yagari."


End file.
